How to Properly (and Discreetly) Purge your Home from Lingering Holiday Guests

4 Jan

The Christmas tree is dried up and brown; the roasting chestnuts have burnt over the open, dying fire; the local radio station has gone back to its regularly scheduled programming; and the left-overs are all gone…except for those lingering guests. You strive to be a good hostess, but having company for a long time can be quite exhausting! I know the feeling, dear. If your merry mood has mellowed into fatigue because of the overly-festive company, try these trustworthy tricks to purge your house from the stress of extended guests:

  1. Be even more annoying than they are: Laughing loudly at everything and developing a midnight cough is very effective. You could also wake up the company with vigorous Scottish songs from iTunes. Nothing says good morning (and goodbye) like a jaunty blast of bagpipes at 4:30 a.m.!
  2. Casually complain about the mice in the attic. Oh, and was that a cockroach you saw in the kitchen cupboard?
  3. Start a feud. Do so casually. Need some debate starters? Ask everyone what they think about Bill O’Reilly or Donald Trump.
  4. (Conveniently) run out of the necessities. No milk, no toilet paper? Big problem.
  5. Burn candles that have an obnoxious scent. Peppermint mixed with citrus, anyone?
  6. Go natural for the day. No deodorant or toothpaste is a must.
  7. Make new plans and then act surprised when the guests are still hanging around. Ask them politely, “Didn’t you know that today was the day we were planning on going to the natural history museum?”
  8. Declare it National House-cleaning Day and ask everyone to pitch in. This tactic will automatically remove any lazy people or asthma sufferers you may have under your roof.
  9. Redo the bedrooms-one by one until all the guests are gone because they have nowhere to sleep.
  10. Adopt a puppy. Warn the guests that he has not been potty-trained. As a side note, tell them that he has a nasty habit of biting people he doesn’t know very well.
  11. Busy yourself in nothing. Become absorbed in learning the art of some strange task. Or, if you are not up to the challenge, call a gossipy friend and stay on the phone all day. Whatever you do, just be sure to ignore the guests at all costs.
  12. Start taking down the Christmas decorations. Unplug the lights and tear down the garland! Nothing says “the fun is over” like taking down all the holiday hoopla.

I feel certain that these tricks should work, but in the bizarre and highly unlikely event that they should fail, remember to mind your manners because you don’t want to be known as a rotten hostess. As long as the holidays seem, they won’t last forever. If worse comes to worst, just brew some hot chocolate, sit down, and quietly remind yourself that the holidays come just once a year.

 

Best Wishes, Darling,

~From the Elegant Snoot.

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One Response to “How to Properly (and Discreetly) Purge your Home from Lingering Holiday Guests”

  1. Diane Norris January 7, 2016 at 8:31 AM #

    Funny…Funny!

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